You might be addicted to poker if …

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By Christopher Cosenza

Telltale signs will tip you (or your loved ones) off when it feels like you’re becoming addicted to something such as candy. Some general symptoms of addiction include feeling as if you need to eat candy regularly and, in some cases, many times a day. Or maybe you’ve failed repeatedly in your attempts to stop eating candy. Now, we could easily make this a serious depressing story and just substitute the word “poker” for “candy” and be done with it. But that’s not our style. If you’re going to discover you’re addicted to poker, the least we could do is entertain you as you realize you’re headed into the pit of despair. So, without further ado, here’s the Ante Up Poker Addiction Test.

You might be addicted to poker if . . .

• Your boss seeks your opinion during a meeting and you check.

• Your psychic interprets bad news from her tarot cards so you request a deck change.

• You show up at a fancy restaurant in West Palm Beach and ask the hostess at the podium what games are being spread.

• After being seated in that same fancy restaurant a waitress brings your drink and you tip her with a white dollar chip from Dania Jai-Alai.

• Your doctor says you have six months to live and you scream “REBUY!”

• As the judge is awarding half of your assets to your wife during divorce-court proceedings you request
a floor manager to make a ruling.

• You pull up behind a car with a Jacksonville Jaguars license plate that reads AK524 and you think, “The wheel draw got there!”

• A vacationing relative from up north asks if there’s a good place to go fishing and you rattle off three poker rooms within 50 miles of your house.

• You go to a pet store in Tampa with your children and see four puppy-toe tracks on the marble floor and wonder if you have the ace of clubs in your hand.

• Your wife calls out from the bathroom asking if you know where the brush is and you tell her he’s usually at the entrance to the poker room.

• The weatherman on TV says “Let’s look at some satellite imagery,” and you have fond memories of winning a seat to the World Series of Poker Main Event.

• While you’re laying out on South Beach someone yells “SHARK!” and you think Michael “The Grinder” Mizrachi is in the water.

If any of these examples seem like something you might say or do then head to the nearest Florida poker room and get in on a game because you’re too far gone to be saved. 

— Seriously, if you do think you’re playing too much poker to your own detriment you should contact 888-ADMIT-IT and get help.